ME :)

You’re on a busy train and there’s only a couple of seats left so you decide have to sit next to someone. During your journey to work, the passengers on the train slowly begin to disembark at each station and the train carriage begins to empty.

Eventually the only people left on the train is the person sitting next to you and the remainder of the train carriage is empty. You have a few stops to go, do you stand up and move to another seat? They might take offense and think gosh do I smell? Why did he just stand up and move seats like that? The other option is to sit there until you get off and make it as though you didn’t really notice the train carriage is empty.

It is an awkward position to be in especially the person seated next to you is the same sex. I’ve often just chosen to sit still and not move. Why should I move? I’ve sat there quite comfortably, the seat has molded around my butt nicely so if anyone wants to move the person next to me can decide that move. To hell with awkwardness! The person next to me is probably thinking the same or they could be thinking there are so many seats to choose from on this carriage, why the hell is this idiot still sitting next to me. He should be moving because I ain’t!

What is the etiquette?

Smiles

Totteridge is a leafy suburb in North London, for those playing at home its on the Northern Line one stop before High Barnet which is the end of the line (well 1 end of the Northern line). I didn’t think many Australians would be out this way but I know I shouldn’t be surprised because you occasionally bump into one anywhere you go whether it may be in Timbuktu, Brasov or in this case Totteridge.

Well I just didn’t bump into one, it happened to be my waiter. I guess we kind of made a mistake by getting a bit too friendly with this dude and by the end of the night we knew what he does, where exactly he is from, why he is here, his ambitions and his future plans for the next 12 months. If we stayed any longer, we could have got his bank account details, what size shoes he wears, whether he wipes his ass with his left hand or right. Mate, we just want our food and drinks, not your life story.

Engineer by profession, talking bullshit, serving food and drinks by day at the local gastro pub in Totteridge. Lives in the most boringest city in Australia, I think you already know what that place is so I don’t even need to mention it. Actually, I’ll give you a clue, it starts with Canberra.

I don’t know about you but at the point where you call your waiter by their first name instead of getting their attention by other means it becomes socially awkward. I mean if you were a waiter, would you like it if someone called you out loud by your first name? “Wilson, fetch me some scallops and bacon will ya, and hurry up? Make the bacon extra crispy, I don’t want that soft shit, cheers mate” or “John mate, wtf is this dish? its rubbish! it’s missing the bacon, read the menu properly mate!”

I think a menu should have the following items of things you can order at a restaurant apart from the usual:

Entree – Introduction to your waiter £2.99

Main – Life story so far £9.99

Dessert – Future plans with a topping of what my next job will be £4.99

Customers may order any of the above but only limit to 1 per table, do you really want to hear the same story repeated to everyone? Yes, I didn’t thinkso. If the waiter is lucky and our ears don’t bleed by the end of the night then we might just cast a vote for him to win a bottle of Moet. Forget tips, the waiter insisted on the votes.

Have you ever tried rice pudding? Don’t. I tried it for the first time tonight and even if it was my final meal ever, I’ll feed it to the turtles.

It was meant to be a dessert but remind me again, aren’t desserts meant to be cold rather than hot? Ok you have some hot dishes like apple pies but you complement it with something cold like ice cream. Well this isn’t quite the same for the rice pudding.

The best I can describe a rice pudding is that it is like a risotto. In fact I’m pretty sure I had a piping hot risotto. It was not savoury but sweet. It was cheesy and not creamy. I couldn’t see mushrooms or chicken pieces. It looked a bit like porridge but the rice looked undercooked. It had 1 and a half grapes on it as a garnish. Come on what happened to the last quarter of it?

Grapes and rice … what? As far as I know I don’t suffer from Synesthesia and my senses are fine so why would I eat grapes and rice like some synesthesian souls eat chicken with ice cream.

A complaint was made about the rice pudding and so the owner brought down the chef and he said he had forgotten the cinnamon … sorry buddy adding the cinnamon to the rice pudding will still make it a shitty rice pudding.

The replacement chocolate mousse well could only be described as the same texture as a willy wonka chocolate bar. Sadly we give away the golden ticket because we don’t plan to head back to charlie and the shitty dessert factory.

smiles

God, I just hope I’ve made the right decision …

This is the first time I’ve heard of this. What exactly does a divorce party celebrate? Being single again? Finally ridding yourself of the person you wanted to live with for the rest of your life?

What presents are people supposed to bring? Sex and the city box set? Entourage box set? A new facebook account or a subscription to a few dating sites?

What would the mood be like? Sad, happy, or party atmosphere? An ensemble of cocktails or perhaps a jager train where by each glass represents the days you have been married.

The news article I read continued on and said that the ex-husband murdered his ex-wife before the party took place.

Shocking